Corporate meetings aren’t about alignment or strategy — they’re endurance tests to see how long a human can sit upright while their soul quietly escapes through the ceiling tiles. The professionals know this, which is why they practice the sacred skill of disassociation.

It starts with the eyes: fix them on the speaker’s PowerPoint, but allow your consciousness to drift into the astral plane. On the outside, you look like you’re analyzing “Q3 pipeline optimization.” On the inside, you’re building a treehouse, rehearsing what you would have said if you could have met Anthony Bourdain, or doodling mushrooms in the margins of your notebook.  

Key survival tactic: the Periodic Nod. Every 90 seconds, dip your chin in solemn agreement. This convinces everyone you’re engaged, while your actual mind is wandering through a mossy forest debating whether chanterelles or morels would make a better risotto.

Eventually, someone will call your name. That’s when you snap back, summon your most corporate phrase — “let’s circle back,” “great point, let’s align offline” — and bask in the illusion that you’ve been fully present the entire time.

Because in the corporate world, attention isn’t currency — camouflaged absence is.